Trying and Learning All Over Again

Raising kids has turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be. Honestly, growing up I said I would never have kids. I also thought I would be independently wealthy by 27 with a shaved head, so take that however you will.

I did not babysit – and the one time I did in college, I left crying because I just realized I was not a kid person. Then, when I was first pregnant, I read the books (all the books). Here’s a hint: the books did not prepare me.  The question keeping me up at night became “How am I going to do this whole mom thing?”

The answer is simple – I don’t know. Therefore, I try. It is hard. So very, very hard. And exhausting. Oh my word, it is EXHAUSTING. The mental aspect of loving two little people so strongly that it fills me with a strange mixture of joy and pain is enough to make me feel like I need a daily nap. Every day feels like I am learning, making mistakes, relearning. I go to bed every night and do it all over again the next day.

When my son was younger, I tried really really hard to make it look like I had my crap together. Makeup done, house cleaned, tied up in knots when we went out to a restaurant because God forbid he make a sound to disrupt the other patrons, and he always had adorable outfits with matching shoes. Thinking back, I was a tight ball of hidden mess. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I was trying.

Here I am on my first Mother's Day

Trying too hard it turns out. I’m afraid now that some of my anxiety about how I was perceived, my son was perceived, my marriage and our family was perceived has been passed down to my sweet boy. There have already been moments where I can see he is wound tightly waiting for someone to see his mistakes. It hurts. It hurts, not just because it is my son, but because I recognize that one of my struggles has made its way into his DNA.

But, God knows it takes me seasons to learn things. I cannot learn them overnight. So, He blessed me with a second child that has made it impossible to try to keep up a façade. I had to accept that I am so far from perfect in order to ask and receive the help I so desperately needed. Her fiery personality and strong-willed nature make her a force. A force that I know one day will own who she is and challenge anyone who asks her to be someone different. A force that has helped to carve into my uptight corners.

When you have a second child who does not follow the same rules as your first, you start trying and learning all over again. So, now I am trying to be more honest. Honest with my kids, my family, my friends and myself. And learning how much more fun it is to be with known and loved for all my imperfections – without makeup some days, a messy house most days, and a mom to loud singing (and often screaming) children with stains on their clothes everyday.

Here I am today