If you think politics are divisive, you would be surprised
to know that the rules of motherhood are often fraught with choosing sides,
picking teams and erecting fences. As soon as you become a parent, it seems
like you must decide what kind of parent you will be. It will feel like you
need to align yourself and your values
with those most like you.
But, if you choose to surround yourself with other moms who
mother just like you, you will end up with very few friends. There is a very
simple reason for this occurrence – no one mothers like you. God chose each mom
for her individual children. And no two mothers are alike, just as no two
children are alike.
I began my mothering experience 6 years ago (including the
time when I was first pregnant). As a people-pleasing, affirmation-seeking,
rule-follower, I soon found myself struggling to know how to act and what to
say because I had read and seen so many different do’s and don’ts before my son
even entered the world. It took me years to realize you cannot please everyone.
Ultimately, what matters is if you are trying to do what is best for your own
family. And, after 6 years in the mom bubble, it seems like this is what most
moms are trying to do.
Good mothers in their own ways |
In my own little corner of the world, I know moms who:
· Work full time | work from home | stay home
·
Bottle feed | breastfeed | practice extended
breastfeeding
·
Had scheduled c-sections | screamed for
epidurals | had water births at home
Are attachment parents | are not attachment parents | practice babywearing
Are attachment parents | are not attachment parents | practice babywearing
·
Vaccinate | vaccinate on a delayed scheduled |
are anti-vaccines
·
Home school | send their kids to charter school
| public school | private school
·
Eat no sugar | feed their children poptarts for
breakfast
·
Spank | use time outs only | practice gentle
parenting | refuse to say the word “no”
·
Co-sleep | put the baby in his or her nursery as
soon as possible
·
Love pacifiers | no pacifiers
·
Helicopter parent | free range parent
·
Feed on demand | follow schedule feeding
·
Cloth diaper | use disposable diapers
·
Do not let their kids watch tv | let their kids
watch tv regularly
I list just these few examples to show that even in my own
small sphere, I know women who mother very differently than I do. But, that
doesn’t make me right and them wrong. If you choose to look at it this way,
then you are depriving yourself of a friend who could teach you a few things
and hindering your child from learning about people who do things differently.
What a boring world we would live in if everyone’s families looked and acted
the same as our own.
The moms I have been honored to walk alongside this
parenting journey with have reasons for deciding which side of the either/or
they will parent on. I have seldom met a mom who just make decisions ignorantly
– most often these decisions are based on her own personal experiences, fears
and education. Rather than judging a fellow mom for choosing to stand on the
other side of a hot topic, try to see her as a fellow mom who is doing the best
she can for her family.
For example, when I hear about moms having babies in the
middle of their living rooms, I do not throw my nose up because I had my babies
in a hospital. I cheer them on! As Amy Poehler writes in Yes, Please, “Good for her! Not for me.”
When I have weak moments and feel the temptation to judge
another mom for choosing the other side, I must try to remember that she is
doing what she thinks is best for her family. A little empathy can go a long way.
Grace can go even further.
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